Twilight: The Fabulous Retelling!
by ukulellie
Summary: The story Twilight as you've never seen it before! Join Bella Swan as she meets and falls in love with the incredibly handsome Edward Cullen. An insane scriptfic parodying the works of Stephenie Meyer! Chapter five is up!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Well, when I started writing this, I thought that I was going to be writing a condensed version of Twilight. I'd forgotten I can't write a condensed **_**anything**_** to save my life. So now it's just a parody of the book, which I'll release 5 chapters at a time. I cut out a few little scenes so it ran smother, so just bear with me! I really hope you enjoyed it!**

PREFACE

Bella: Okay, so, I'm about to die. And I'm _really_ not looking forward to it. I mean, there's this crazy guy who probably wants to eat my face off, and he's standing right in front of me! I know, scary, huh? The chances are that said crazy guy wouldn't be hunting me down if I didn't have an incredibly hot vampire boyfriend. But, he's _incredibly hot_, so I think it's worth it. Uh...I mean, I love him, and stuff.

I have the feeling you're not following too well, how about I take you back to the start?

SEVERAL MONTHS EARLIER

Renee: (on the phone) No, you hang up! No _you_!

Bella: Mom?

Renee: _You_ hang up! I hung up last time!

Bella: _Mom!_

Renee: Oh, Phil, _stop_!

Bella: MOM! HANG UP THE DARN PHONE!

(Renee puts the phone down)

Renee: Sheesh, Bella, calm down. Did you wanna say something?

Bella: Yes. Even though I truly hate the rainy, boring, small town where Dad lives and know I'll be utterly miserable there, I've decided to move there to give you time with your new, baseball-playing husband.

Renee: That's very sweet of you, Bella, but you shouldn't have to go to that miserable pit of a town where nothing exciting _ever_ happens.

Bella: (whining) But...I'm almost an adult – I get to make my own decisions! To the airport!

Renee: But –

Bella: AIRPORT!

Renee: (backing away) Okay, okay, I'll let you go...geez.

(Bella and Renee drive to the airport, where Bella bids her mother farewell, knowing she is about to embark on a terribly unexciting journey. Upon arrival in rainy Forks, WA, she is greeted by her father, Charlie)

Charlie: Hey Bells! It's so greet that you're moving in – now you can cook, clean and do my laundry while I watch baseball!

Bella: I miss Phoenix.

Charlie: Oh, by the way, I randomly got you a truck! It's horribly old and slow – just like everything in Forks.

Bella: A _TRUCK_!? YAY! (Bella runs to hug her "new" motor vehicle)

Charlie: Well, I think I'll go fishing and gossip with Billy Black...uh, you have fun.

Bella: (kissing the truck) You're the best truck in the whole world! I think I'm in love!

Random Twilight fan: (appearing magically) No you're not, that doesn't happen till later!

(Random fan disappears)

Bella: Weird.

THE NEXT DAY – BELLA'S FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Jessica: Ohmigosh, like, hi! You must totally, like, be Isabella! Everyone's, like, been waiting for you to, like, show up! My name is, like, Jessica by the way! You're, like, in my Spanish class! We're totally, like, going to be bestest, like, friends! Like, you are so much, like, cooler than Lauren! So do you, like, like Forks High?

(Bella ignores Jessica's constant babbling. A group of people catch her eye)

Bella: Whoa, those people are _pretty_!

Jessica: Oh, like, the Cullens? They're, like, this weird, like, adopted family with, like, really, like, mysterious origins. And they all, like, _date_ each other. Isn't that, like, _gross_? Well, except for, like, Edward. (Jessica sighs dreamily) He's, like, totally smokin'! But, like, he'd never look, like, your way – even if you are, like, really pretty and smell, like, _real_ nice. But we all, like, know that Edward's in love with, like, _me_. Right, Angela?

Angela: (sighing) Whatever you say, Jessica.

Bella: Oh-_kay_. I think I'll leave...now.

(As Bella leaves the cafeteria, she is followed by a boy who resembles a golden retriever)

Mike: (proudly) Hey, I'm Mike. You've probably heard of me.

Bella: Actually, no, I haven't.

Mike: Oh. Well, anyway, I've decided to follow you everywhere and be completely obsessive about you for the next few weeks , 'cause, compared to Jessica, you're _hot_.

(Eric runs up behind them)

Eric: (panting) And I'm Eric! Wazzup?

Bella: I _really_ miss Phoenix.

(Bella, along with her two new stalkers, makes her way to Biology class. Upon entering the room, she trips and lands on the floor)

Bella: Forks _sucks_.

Mr. Banner: Hey Bella, why don't you conveniently sit beside that super hot, intelligent vampi – uh – _human_?(conspiratorial wink)

Bella: Okay. (she sits beside Edward) Hi, I'm Bella. I'm really clumsy and boring.

Edward: (death glare)

Bella: (turns away from him) What is _his_ problem?

Edward: She smells _really_ good. I kind of want to eat her right now...but I'll refrain and spend the next few months in pure agony. Well, I guess I'll go visit my hot vampire girlfriend in Alaska.

Bella: What was that?

Edward: Uh...nothing. (he disappears)

Bella: Is there no one _normal_ here?

(Mike swaggers over to Bella)

Mike: Hey Bella, let me walk you home – I know the way, and we can get in using the spare key under the eave, right?

Bella: No, I guess it's just weirdoes here.

A WEEK LATER, BACK IN BIOLOGY CLASS

Edward: Hello, I'm Edward, and I've made a miraculous turn around and have decided to be nice to you.

Bella: Oh. I suppose that makes sense. Hey, what's wrong with your eyes?

Edward: Uh...puberty?

Bella: (suspiciously) Hmm...

Mr. Banner: I've decided that you kids are the smartest people in class! You win a special prize!

Bella: (distracted) Yay! A special prize!

Edward: Wow, humans really _are_ dumb.

Bella: What did you say?

Edward: Uh...nothing.

Bella: Oh, okay!

A FEW DAYS LATER AND IT'S AN ICY MORNING IN FORKS

Tyler: Ice sure is slippery! Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I just drive over it really fast...

(Tyler accelerates, and as he hits a big patch of ice, his van turns evil and decides to kill an unsuspecting human)

Evil Van: (skids out of control and speeds towards Bella)

Bella: I'm so clumsy and unsuspecting that if a van started speeding towards me I probably wouldn't notice. (she turns around and sees the van) AHH! Won't somebody save me from my impending doom?

Edward: (a light bulb appears over his head) I know! I'll save her without thinking of what the consequences will be, and who knows, maybe we'll even end up in love!

(Edward runs over and catches Bella as she hits the ice)

Bella: Cedric Diggory?!

Edward: Actually, it's Edward Cullen. (he stops the van from crushing them using one hand)

Bella: Oh. Wait a second...DID YOU JUST STOP THAT VAN FROM KILLING US WITH YOUR _HAND_!?

Edward: Maybe... Oh, would you look at that, you're unconscious!

Bella: I'm not uncon –

(Edward taps her head lightly and Bella loses consciousness)

Edward: Told you.

A FEW WEEKS LATER, BACK IN BIOLOGY

Mike: Bella, do you have something you wanna ask me?

Bella: Nope, don't think so.

Mike: You _sure_?

Bella: Uh huh.

Mike: But...but...when are you going to ask me to the spring dance? (he glares at a laughing Cedr – uh – _Edward_)

Bella: How about half past never? Everyone knows I can't da – uh, I'm going to Seattle.

(Mike runs away crying)

Edward: That wasn't very nice.

Bella: You're talking to me again?

Edward: So it would seem. Would you like me to go with you to Seattle?

Bella: Score!

Edward: Pardon me?

Bella: Ahem..._snore_...Biology sure is boring.

Edward: Um, sure.

AFTER BIOLOGY

Eric: Yo Bells! What's the haps?

Bella: Um...thank you?

Eric: So, me being super cool an' all...d'you wanna go to the dance with me?

Bella: _No_. Why can't you all leave me _alone_?

(Bella walks away)

Eric: Oh, I'm so lonely! I think I'll go write about this in my diary...

AT THE END OF SCHOOL

Tyler: Hey Bella! (he waves his arms over his head)

Bella: This is it. This is how I'm gonna die.

Tyler: So, even though I almost ran over you in my evil van, would you like to invite me to the dance?

Bella: FOR PETE'S SAKE, _NO_! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU? I. CANNOT. DANCE. ALL RIGHT??

Tyler: Oh. Well, I guess I have to wait till prom.

Bella: But I just said...never mind. I do _not_ like Forks.

THE NEXT DAY

Bella: Edward isn't in school today; I'm so depressed, even though I've only talked to him, like, three times.

Jessica: Ohmigosh, like, Bella! Edward, like, Cullen is, like, sitting on his, like, own! And now he's, like, beckoning, like, to _you_! But why would he, like, want you to, like, sit with him?

(Bella ignores her and rushes over to Edward's table, only tripping twice in the process)

Edward: Even though I view this as a huge mistake and I'm an evil monster you should stay away from, I'd like to eat lunch with you.

Bella: Hello to you too.

(Edward begins randomly playing with Bella's soda bottle)

Bella: So, do you have some kind of super powers since you stopped me getting crushed by Tyler's van?

Edward: Do you think I'm a _superhero_?

Bella: No... I'VE GOT IT! YOU'RE A WIZARD, AREN'T YOU?

Edward: Not even close.

Bella: Darn.

(Edward leans in conspiratorially)

Edward: I'm not supposed to say this, but I'm dangerous. You should probably stay away from me, because I could suck your – uh, I mean, you might get hurt.

Bella: (laughing) Hah, good joke Edward! Next thing you're going to tell me is that you can read minds! (Bella erupts into another fit of giggles)

Edward: What depresses me is that you're _smart_ for a human.

(The bell rings and Bella jumps up, still laughing)

Bella: Come on, we'll be late for class.

Edward: I'm ditching class to fight crime with my magic powers.

Bella: (gobsmacked) REALLY?!

Edward: That _was_ a joke.

Bella: Right. Well, I'm going to go to class – what could possibly go wrong?

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Mike: (dragging Bella along) I can't believe you fainted after you saw one _drop_ of blood.

Bella: Shut up, Mike. (she puts a hand over her throat) Ugh. I think I'm gonna throw up.

Mike: What!?

(Mike, alarmed, lets go of Bella and she topples over onto the ground. She doesn't get up again)

Edward: (running over) Are you _trying_ to kill her?

Mike: Psh, no! I just didn't want to get vomit on my new shoes – they're Converse.

(Edward stares at him in disbelief before picking Bella up and walking away)

Bella: (looking up, bewildered) Cedr –

Edward: For the last time, my name is _Edward_.

Bella: Riiight.

(Just as they reach Edward's Volvo, stalker-boy Mike runs up behind them)

Mike: (breathlessly) Bella...come…to…beach…party…La Push…this…weekend…?

Bella: Um, okay, I guess.

Mike: that's…great! See…you…Saturday…eleven…am…

(Mike stumbles away and Edward and Bella climb into the Volvo)

Bella: That kid is weird.

Edward: You should've seen what he was _thinking_.

Bella: Wait, you actually _can_ read minds?

Edward: Knew we'd get there in the end.

Bella: Are you _sure_ you're not a superhero?

Edward: Very.

Bella: Humph.

(Bella looks up and realizes she is already at her house)

Bella: Wait, how'd we get here so fast?!

Edward: I drove you.

Bella: Oh yeahhh. Well, see you!

(Bella trips as she climbs out of the car and hits her head on the asphalt. Edward rests his head on the steering wheel, exasperated)

**A/N: Well, what did you think? Please let me know! I haven't written a parody/Twilight fanfic before, so don't be too hard on me! Virtual cookies to those who review!**

**-Ellie :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey everybody! Sorry for not updating sooner – I was working on my one-shot, Perfect. Anyway, I'd like to thank followthesmile, Cullens4everandever, AliceCullenLivesForever, Da Phoenix 13, Permanent Rose, eccentricity is a virtue, Halfelven hero and twinklestartwinkle for taking the time to review! Enjoy the chapter!**

SATURDAY MORNING

Bella: Hold on a second…it's _sunny_ today! In _Forks_!? Something is horribly wrong!

Mike: Hey Bella! Aren't you so excited to go to the beach? It's so good that it's just as _friends_, you know without any weird, inhumanly beautiful people.

Bella: Yeah…great. I just need to find something to eat and we'll get going. Now, where'd I put the granola bars?

Mike: Third cupboard to the left, second shelf. Uh…I mean…that's where I would keep my granola bars, if I were you. Of course I didn't follow you and Cullen home yesterday…hehe…

Bella: (sighing) I miss Edward. He sure wouldn't follow me home or watch me sleep.

(Bella, Mike and the rest of the humans get into Mike's car and drive to La Push. When they get to the beach, they see some members of the Quiliuete tribe)

Jacob: Hey Bella, do you remember me? The random little kid from your miserable childhood holidays here?

Bella: Sure I do, Lake!

Jacob: It's Jake.

Bella: Exactly.

Jacob: Well…anyway…you've gotten, like, _really _hot, Bella. Would you like to go for a walk with my while I tell you weird stories that have absolutely nothing to do with the guy you sit beside in Biology.

Bella: (batting eyelashes) That sounds great!

(They both stand up and start walking towards a conveniently placed forest)

Jacob: Uh, Bells? Is there something in your eye?

Bella: What? Um…no! Why would you think that? (she strikes a bad flirtatious pose) So…are you going to tell me those weird stories?

Jacob: Okay! Once upon a time, my tribe used to be some freaky werewolves because…well, I don't know why…but we were really awesome and we ran around our town protecting everyone from these really pretty people with sharp teeth.

Bella: They sound vaguely familiar…

Jacob: Yeah, they were also really cold, and it turned out they were these evil vampires! But then they went away, which was cool. But the rumor is that they've come back! Which isn't good. And then we all lived happily ever after. The End!

Bella: Whoa, that _is _a weird story. Heh. (realization hits Bella like a ton of bricks) Hold on, what you're saying is… THE GUY THAT I LIKE IS A _VAMPIRE_!?

Jacob: WHAT!?

Bella: Um…just kidding!

Jacob: (blinking) Oh! Phew.

BACK IN FORKS

Bella: Okay, I've just found out the guy I sit beside in Biology is a vampire…what should I do? I know, I'll check the internet!

Internet: Vampires are generally nasty people. Do not go near them, because they will probably suck your blood. Which is a _bad thing_. They are super strong, fast and smart, not to mention really scary. However, if they happen to be the type of vampire with golden eyes and extremely good looks that sit beside you in Biology, then why are you checking this website? Go ask them out!

Bella: Huh. Well, Edward _is _really good looking…maybe he's a nice vampire! Like Casper the Friendly Ghost! Wow, I sit beside a super-hot-vampire-who-will-by-no-means-kill-me for Biology! How cool is that?

(Pleased with her deductions, Bella logs off her computer and goes to sleep)

AT SCHOOL

Jessica: Hey, like, Bella! Guess who, like, asked me to, like, the dance!

Bella: Oh, I don't know...Mike?

Jessica: Ohmigosh! You are, like, totally, like, right!

Bella: What a surprise.

Jessica: I know! Anyway, like, me and Angela are, like, going shopping for, like, dresses! Wanna come with?

Bella: Well, I _was_ going to skulk around being depressed because I'm in love with a vampire...but I guess I could go dress shopping.

(Bella, Angela and Jessica drive to Port Angeles where the latter two look for dresses. Bella soon becomes bored)

Bella: I'm bored. I think I'll wander down that sinister-looking dark alley in search of a bookstore.

Random men: Come here so that we can beat you up and take advantage of you!

Bella: Oh no! How did I not see this coming? Who will save me now?

Edward: You've got to be joking.

Bella: (backing away from the creepy men) Hello? A vampire saviour would be nice right about now!

Edward: Fine, but you owe me big time.

(Edward speeds down the alley in his Volvo, muttering about 'whiney humans'. He rescues Bella (yet again) and drives away from the gross men)

Bella: Oh, hey, Edward! Fancy seeing you here.

Edward: Do you have a problem with _not_ dying?

Bella: Huh. Maybe.

Edward: Unbelievable. So, where do you want to have dinner?

Bella: With _you_?

Edward: Well, obviously! I don't trust myself to not turn around and go hunt down those sons of –

Bella: Hey! Let's keep it G-rated here.

Edward: Sorry.

Bella: Anyway, I'd love to go to dinner with you, even though my friends are probably worried sick and I know for a fact that you could kill me.

Edward: (not listening) That's nice.

(As they arrive at the restaurant, they meet a frantic Jessica and Angela)

Jessica: Bella! Where, like, were you?

Angela: We were really worried. What happened?

Bella: Well, I was herded down this dark alleyway by some sick-minded guys, and then Edward, the bloodsucking vampire here, came to my aid.

Jessica: That's, like, a relief. We, like, thought something, like, _bad_ had happened!

Angela: Jess, let's leave Edward and Bella to get dinner while we discuss their social standing on the ride home!

Jessica: That sounds, like, great!

(Jessica and Angela walk off merrily)

Bella: (sighing) I have such _great_ friends.

(Bella and Edward enter the restaurant)

Amber: Hi, I'm Amber and I'll be serving you while constantly hitting on your cute boyfriend all evening!

Bella: I don't have to pay extra, do I?

(In a mere ten minutes, Edward watches as Bella shovels a plate of ravioli at top speed into her mouth)

Bella: So, you can _read minds_?

Edward: I can...well, except for yours.

Bella: That's weird.

Edward: Thanks a bunch.

Bella: No, no! I was talking about you not being able to read my mind. Am I freak, or something?

Edward: In my opinion, yes, but I don't think that's why I can't read your mind.

Amber: (to Edward) Can I get you anything else? Coke, dessert, my phone number...

Edward: What was that last one?

Amber: Dessert.

Edward: Oh. Well, I guess we'll be going... (he hands her a million dollar bill)

Amber: We can't wait to have you with us again!

Bella: Don't count on it.

IN THE VOLVO

Bella: Okay, I think I've finally figured out what you are.

Edward: Please don't say a wizard.

Bella: Very funny. No, I was talking to my friend Jacob, who I will totally not become infatuated with next year, and he gave me reason to believe you're a vampire.

Edward: (shiftily) Now where would he get an idea like that?

Bella: His Daddy is some kind of elder on this werewolf council thing.

Edward: Shoot.

Bella: So it's true...I'm sitting in a car with a bloodsucking _vampire_!?

Edward: Uh huh.

Bella: That was pretty stupid. What was I _thinking_?

Edward: Beats me.

Bella: Well, aren't you gonna eat me?

Edward: No! Not if I can help it! My family only drinks the blood of animals.

Bella: You suck the blood of defenceless _animals_? That's horrible!

Edward: Would you rather I drank _your_ blood?

Bella: Good point.

(The car is filled with an uncomfortable silence. Bella glances at the speedometer)

Bella: HOLY COW! YOU'RE GOING TO _KILL _ME!!

Edward: What?! But I just said –

Bella: LOOK HOW FAST WE'RE GOING! WE'RE GONNA CRASH INTO SOME BIG TREE AND THEN THE CAR'S GONNA BLOW UP AND –

Edward: (slowing down) Calm down, Bella, I just enjoy driving fast.

Bella: YOU INSANE MANIAC! WHAT IS YOUR _PROBLEM_? ARE YOU _TRYING_ TO KILL ME?!

Edward: We've been over this.

Bella: Oh yeah. Perhaps I overreacted.

Edward: Just a tad. We're here by the way.

(Bella looks up and finds she is, sure enough, at her house)

Bella: Whoa. How'd that happen? Oh right, your _insane_ driving.

Edward: Do you hate me now?

Bella: Of course not! How could I hate you, Edward? You're incredibly ho – uh – kind to me. Um...see you tomorrow!

(Bella runs inside, tripping on the doormat in the process)

THE NEXT MORNING

Bella: Well, off to another boring day of school! (she walks out the door and catches sight of the Volvo) What the –

Edward: Want a ride to school?

Bella: YES!! ...Ahem...I mean, that'd be cool.

Edward: I brought you a jacket; I didn't want you to get a cold.

Bella: Thanks (she puts on the jacket, inhaling Edward's scent)

Edward: Why are you _sniffing_ my jacket?

Bella: Um...no reason...

(Bella and Edward arrive at school and both leave for their respective classes. Jessica corners Bella in Trig and demands information)

Jessica: I, like, totally demand information about, like, last night.

Bella: Well, he bought me dinner, drove me home, admitted he was a vampire –

Jessica: He's, like, a _WHAT_?!

Students: Shh!

Bella: (whispering) I said he was a _bad driver_.

Jessica: I, like, thought you, like, said...never mind. Anyway, do you, like, like him?

Bella: Mmm hmm.

Jessica: Like, how much?

Bella: More than he likes me (sigh). Though I'm really glad there's no way he can hear our conversation...oops.

AT LUNCH

Edward: You think I don't like you as much as you like me?

Bella: Were you listening to my private conversation?

Edward: What do you think?

Bella: Um...yes?

Edward: Good job. But...why do you think you care more for my than I do for you?

Bella: Well, you don't even like yourself!

Edward: But...I'm an evil monster that drinks _blood_!

Bella: So? You gotta love yourself or people won't love you either.

Edward: I don't think you've grasped the concept of my blood-drinking here.

Bella: Of course I don't, I've never seen you hunt. You could show me...

Edward: NO WAY!!

Bella: Yikes! I only asked! Maybe you should go to anger management classes…

Edward: I DO NOT NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES!

Bella: Sure you don't…

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Let me know! You all want some virtual cookies – review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey everybody! Sorry for the long wait! I've been on vacation and I only just got back now. I kind of bashed the meadow scene in this chapter, even though I love that part of the book. So, please, don't get mad at me! Thanks to: CourtneyFirehand, Permanent Rose, Vampire-Belle, 2boys, CrushonDib and AliceCullenLivesForever for their lovely reviews! Enjoy the chapter!**

BIOLOGY CLASS

(Edward and Bella are sitting in Biology, making goo-goo eyes at each other. Mr Banner enters, wheeling in a VCR)

Mr Banner: Hey, kids, we're going to watch a video today!

Class: YAY!

Edward: I can actually feel myself getting stupider.

(Bella snorts as the lights flicker off)

Bella: (thinking) Wow, Edward is so hot…well, actually, in literal terms he's cold…but, whatever. Point is, he's very good-looking. Snap out of it, Bella! You should be paying attention, not gazing at Edward's perfect hair… (she sighs)…but it's just so darn fluffy-looking! And as for his nose…

(An hour of drooling over Edward later, the bell rings and Edward walks Bella to class)

Bella: Edward looks upset about something. I wish I could know what he's thinking!

Edward: (thinking) No, you can't. Are you insane? Do you want to kill her? I didn't think so. No way. Nope. Not gonna happen. You should never in a million years believe that you can – (he reaches out and strokes Bella's cheek, causing her eyes to turn into cartoon hearts) – touch her. Great. So much for self-control.

(Edward walks off, leaving a dazzled Bella to stumble into gym)

ON THE BADMINTON COURT

Mike: Are you ready for this, Bella?

Bella: Sure I am! Who knows, maybe badminton is my game!

(Everyone in the gym, Mike and Coach Clapp included, laugh derisively)

Bella: A girl can dream…

(The game begins. All too soon, the shuttlecock comes flying Bella's way)

Bella: (running) I got it! I got it!

(Bella runs into the net and hits herself with her racquet before bouncing backwards and landing on top of Mike)

Bella: I don't got it.

AFTER GYM

Edward: Do you make it your job to injure yourself as much as possible?

Bella: WERE YOU SPYING ON ME AGAIN??

Edward: Seriously, Bella you really need to stop yelling so much, preferably before you burst both of my eardrums.

Bella: Oh, sorry. But I'm still mad at you.

(Edward turns to smile at her)

Edward: How about now?

Bella: Um…what were we talking about?

Edward: I was just saying I'd pick you up for school tomorrow.

Bella: Oh, okay.

Edward: And, that tomorrow, it's my turn to interrogate you.

(Bella gulps)

THE NEXT MORNING

Bella: (climbing into the Volvo) Hey Edw –

Edward: No time for that – I need to find out as much as possible. Now, tell me your favourite colour, flower, book, gemstone, airline, food, coffee shop, subject, Broadway musical, Poptart flavour, teacher, Audrey Hepburn movie and who you think would win in a duel – me or Harry Potter.

Bella: (blinking) Um…can you repeat that?

AFTER SCHOOL

Edward: You must have one, Bella. You're just avoiding the question!

Bella: I am not! For the last time Edward, I do _not_ have a favourite episode of Batman!

Edward: Sure you don't. I'm going to keep aski – (he freezes, growls, then looks down at Bella) you've got visitors – I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

(Edward (gently) shoves Bella out of the Volvo and speeds along the street much too quickly)

Bella: Well, that was weird. (she catches sight of three people standing on the porch) Oh! Hey Charlie, Jacob, Jacob's Dad.

Charlie: Hey Bells!

Jacob: Hi Bella!

Billy: (death glare)

Bella: Why do people keep glaring at me? Do I have something in my teeth?

(Bella and Jacob go into the kitchen)

Bella: Jake, what's up with your Dad? He looks like he just saw me hanging out with a vampire…_oh_!

Jacob: Yeah, that's my crazy father for you. He believes all of those Cullens are vampires.

Bella: (giggling hysterically) That's completely ridiculous!

Jacob: I know! What's next, me becoming a werewolf?

(Bella and Jacob laugh for a long time until Jacob has to leave. She bids them farewell as they drive away)

Bella: (waving) Bye bye now! Drive safely! And please, _hesitate_ to come visit!

THE NEXT DAY – LUNCHTIME

Edward: So…I'm going hunting after lunch.

Bella: YOU'RE WHAT??

Edward: Bella, what did we say about yelling?

Bella: Oh, yeah. (she lowers her voice) You're what?

Edward: Well, I need to make sure I'm not thirsty so that I don't suck all your blood when we're alone tomorrow.

Bella: Oh. Sounds fun.

(Alice suddenly appears beside Edward)

Alice: Hi Bella, I'm Alice, your new best friend and future sister-in-law. I've already got everything planned out. We're all going to have many misadventures over the next year and you're going to have a lot of near-death experiences before marrying Edward and having a weird half-human, half-vampire baby with an unpronounceable name, and _then_ –

Edward: That's enough, Alice. (to Bella) Alice here has a rather overactive imagination. Well, I'll see you later.

(Edward stands up and quickly drags Alice from the cafeteria)

Bella: Um…goodbye?

AT HOME

Charlie: So, Bells, are you still going to Seattle tomorrow?

Bella: Um…no? (shifty eyes)

Charlie: Oh, well, that's great! I'm completely not suspicious of you at all!

Bella: Phew, that was close! But…how am I going to get to sleep knowing I'm going out with Edward tomorrow? I know, I'll overdose on cold medicine! Wow, I sure am smart!

(Bella swallows a whole bottle of pills and immediately loses consciousness)

SATURDAY MORNING

Edward: (knocking on the door) Hello? Bella? Are you there?

(Bella jerks awake and swears violently)

Bella: Um… Coming, Edward!

(Bella jumps out of bed and attempts to brush her teeth, make her bed and pull on her pants at the same time. Fifteen minutes of failed multi-tasking later, she opens the door)

Edward: Hi there.

Bella: (panting) Hey…Edward…are…you…ready…to…leave…?

Edward: This is going to be a long day.

IN THE TRUCK

Bella: Where are we going today?

Edward: We're hiking to a place where I'll either kill you or confess my undying love for you. I haven't quite decided yet.

Bella: That sounds…wait, what? Kill me?

Edward: Would you look at that, we're here!

(Edward jumps out of the truck and starts walking up the hill)

Bella: But you just said…ugh, never mind.

IN THE MEADOW

Bella: Oh, this place is so pretty! I love all the flowers and – OHMYEDWARD! EDWARD, YOU'RE SPARKLY!!

Edward: How observant of you.

Bella: Wow, the guy I'm in love with can sparkle! This is awesome!

Edward: (suddenly angsty) No it's not! I'm an evil monster! You have to stay away from me because I could kill you! ARGH!

Bella: Are you finished with your random emotional outburst yet?

Edward: As a matter of fact, I am! Now onto phase two, confess my undying love for you.

Bella: Ooh! I like the sound of that!

Edward: (vampire-angst returning) You shouldn't! We're not even the same species! ARGH! Why do I have to be a super-hot, strong and incredibly smart vampire? Why can't I be a weak human and an idiot? Is that too much to ask? And why does Bella have to be the one in most danger?

Bella: Whoa, you have a lot of mood swings, don't you? And...what do you mean by 'most danger'?

Edward: Well, condensing what would be approximately five and a half pages of story-telling, you're blood is the best blood I've ever smelled and I spend every minute with you trying not to rip your throat out.

Bella: You're very poetic.

Edward: But all that doesn't matter, 'cause I, the evil monstrous vampire predator, am in love with you, the young, weak human girl.

Bella: And I find myself attracted to your incredible hotness...uh...great personality.

(Bella and Edward spend a while professing their love for one another and being generally romantic. Finally, they decide to go home)

Edward: Hey, Bella, why don't I run through the forest to your truck with you clinging to my back, you little spidermonkey?

Bella: What did you just call me?

Edward: A spidermonkey. They're very – ugh, never mind, I'd _never_ say that anyway.

(Edward grabs Bella and runs through the forest in 0.4 of a second)

Edward: Wasn't that fun? Bella?

Bella: Am I dead yet?

Edward: Nope! But I'm going to take advantage of my newfound happiness and kiss you!

Bella: I don't think –

(Edward kisses Bella. Bella attacks Edward (in a 'romantic' sense). Edward staggers away from her)

Edward: Bella! Do you _want_ me to kill you? Come on, let's get you home before I become angsty again.

Bella: Edward...kissed...me (she swoons)

SWAN RESIDENCE

Bella: (running through the house with Edward) Hi Charlie! Bye Charlie!

Charlie: What the – homerun! Go Mariners!

(Upstairs, Bella has discovered that Edward watches her sleep)

Bella: You _watch_ me _sleep_? Who are you, Mike Newton?

Edward: You're just so fascinating, can I help it that I love you? (his eyes do that smouldering thing)

Bella: What's my name again?

Edward: It's Bella. Would you like me to sing you to sleep, you adorable baby seal?

Bella: You really need to stop with the animal names.

Edward: (sighing) Fine. But it's time for you to go to sleep so that I can eavesdrop on your sleep-talking.

Bella: (yawning) Oh-kay...

(Bella, despite the lack of cold medicine, falls asleep instantly)

THE NEXT MORNING

Bella: (waking up) Ugh...what happened last night? Was I drunk or...EDWARD!

(With a high-pitched squeal, Bella throws herself across the room and into Edward's lap)

Edward: Good morning, how are you?

Bella: I'm great and I just _know_ I didn't say anything of importance in my sleep!

Edward: Heh...yeah...well, I guess it's breakfast time!

Bella: WHAT?! EDWARD THE VAMPIRE IS GOING TO EAT ME!

Edward: What? No!

Bella: Just kidding! You should have seen your face!

(Edward growls, carries Bella downstairs and sets a bowl of cereal in front of her)

Bella: So, what are we going to do today?

Edward: Why don't I introduce you to my blood-sucking vampire family?

Bella: Really? What if they don't like me?

Edward: Of course they will, or they'll certainly pretend to.

Bella: Well, that's a relief! You're the best, Edward!

(Edward kisses Bella again and she promptly collapses)

Edward: Am I _that_ bad at this?

THE CULLEN HOUSEHOLD

Edward: Everyone, this is Bella. Nobody is to be rude to her, take her on any spontaneous shopping trips or suck her blood. (he looks pointedly at Jasper, who murmurs something about trust)

Carlisle: Hello, Bella. I'm Carlisle Cullen, the fatherly figure and all-knowing vampire who's going to be treating you after your various accidents over the next year.

Esme: And I'm Esme, the motherly figure. I clean and remodel houses. I'm also non-confrontational and hardly pass as a vampire.

Alice: I'm Alice and I see the future! I'm going to be making your life a misery over the next year through makeovers and shopping trips!

Jasper: My name is Jasper. I'm supposed to stay away from you because you smell so darn tasty. Oh, and I control emotions and stuff.

Bella: It's...uh...nice to meet you all. (she turns to Edward) But where are your scare-your-pants off brother and your I'm-so-perfect-it-hurts sister?

Edward: Well, don't be upset, but...they don't exactly like you...

(Bella starts sobbing hysterically)

Edward: No, don't cry! Here, listen to the song I wrote you!

(He plays her lullaby, causing Bella to cry harder)

Edward: This isn't working! Why don't I tell you a story about my adoptive father?

Bella: Actually, I really don't –

Edward: Great, let's go!

(Edward drags Bella upstairs, away from his watching vampire family)

**A/N: The Edward/Harry Potter duel comes from Stephenie Meyer's interview on MuggleCast and I found it hilarious. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and if you have time, please leave me a review! I love hearing what you think of my work! Plus, you get virtual cookies, who could turn that down?**

**-Ellie :D**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey everyone! Yes, it's Ellie, back after an eternity! You can stop chasing me down dark alleys now! Seriously, I've been totally swamped at school and I've also been bitten by the RENT bug, so expect some RENT-y fanfics coming your way very soon! Thank you to: Permanent Rose, Wotcher-Tonks, Cullens4everandever, 2boys, CrushonDib, AliceCullenLivesForever, twinklestartwinkle and Mizz Lana Banana for their fabulous reviews****! Enjoy the chapter!**

CARLISLE'S STUDY

(Edward is reading aloud from a storybook, while Bella has reassumed he activity of drooling over her boyfriend)

Edward: Once upon a time, in a land called England –

Bella: Is this going somewhere?

Edward: Hm. Not really.

Bella: Then can you hurry this up a bit so we can go make out in your bedroom?

Edward: Okay! Well, to tell a long and pretty boring story short, Carlisle became a vampire, got depressed, tried to kill himself, failed, swam places, met up with some evil vampires that will most definitely not come to kill us because of our immortal vamp-human hybrid, and changed all of us Cullens into vampires. (he closes the storybook) The End!

Bella: What was that part about hybrids?

Edward: Uh. Heh. Nothing. Let's go look at my CD collection.

(He drags Bella up to his room. Though Bella is momentarily disappointed about the absence of a bed, she soon recovers and walks over to the CD shelf).

Bella: Whoa, Edward, you have great taste in mu – wait, the deluxe edition of the Annie soundtrack?

Edward: Oh, um, that's Emmett's. He has a thing for red-haired orphans.

Bella: Should I be afraid?

Edward: Terrified.

(an argument then ensues between the two, on whether Bella should be afraid of her bloodsucking vampire boyfriend and his family, which eventually results in Edward 'playfully' attacking Bella and crashing into the couch. Alice and Jasper suddenly enter, clutching knives and forks, and looking hungry)

Edward: For the _last_ time, you are _not_ eating my girlfriend! She's my life partner, my one coquet, the answer to my –

Alice: The answer to your love's duet, yeah, yeah. Jasper, put the fork away, we're not eating Bella.

Jasper: Can't catch a break (he grudgingly puts away the knife and fork).

Alice: Well, seeing as drinking Bella's blood is off the agenda, how about we play baseball tonight?

Edward: Yes! (to Bella) Do you want to come?

Bella: Sure! I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Jasper: Some sadistic vampire could show up and then hunt you for sport to get Edward mad.

Bella: Pessimist.

SWAN RESIDENCE

Bella: Charlie, I have something important to tell you...

Charlie: You're PREGNANT?

Bella: What? No!

Charlie: Oh. Sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself. What did you wanna tell me?

Bella: Well...I sorta have a boyfriend.

Charlie: WHAT?! That's even _worse_!

(on cue, the doorbell rings and Bella lets Edward into the house)

Edward: Hello, Chief Swan, I'm Edw –

Charlie: I don't like you.

Edward: But I –

Bella: Don't even try – he's a very focused person. See you, Dad!

Charlie: Tie ballgame! C'mon, let's bring home a win for Washington! Huh? Oh, bye Bells.

(Edward and Bella leave Charlie to watch baseball)

A FOREST CLEARING

Edward: Now, Bella, don't freak out, but we need to run for a little bit –

(Bella begins to hyperventilate)

Edward: (sighing) So much for not freaking out...

(Edward kisses Bella, who almost implodes with happiness, and then allows him to run her to the baseball clearing, smiling goofily)

Edward: Here we are! Bella, this is Emmett and Rosalie.

Bella: Um, hi! (she trips over, landing with her face in the mud)

Emmett: (laughing) I have a feeling that I'm going to like you.

Rosalie: (death glare)

Bella: I _wish_ people would stop doing that! It's not like I'm hideously whiney and annoying, or anything.

(silence)

Alice: Ahem...baseball! Let's play!

(Everybody, minus Bella and Esme, run off to play)

Bella: So, um, you're a vampire.

Esme: Sure am.

Bella: How's that going?

Esme: Pretty good. I'm actually happy, despite having jumped off a cliff when my kid died.

Bella: Jumped off a cliff. Hmm. (Bella writes this down for future reference)

(Meanwhile, on the baseball diamond, Alice has a vision)

Alice: Uh oh.

Edward: What did you see?

Alice: Oh, nothing...

Edward: _Alice_!

Alice: Fine! Isawagroupofcrazynomadvampirescomingtoeatyournewgirlfriend!

Edward: WHAT? How did you _not_ see that coming? It's pretty hard to miss!

Alice: I don't see you making any predictions, mister. Besides, I was preoccupied – did you know that they're gonna move the sixth Harry Potter movie to July 2009?

Emmett: No way! How can those corporate goons do that to us?

Bella: Hello? Defenceless human over here!

Edward: Oh yeah! Positions, people!

(the Cullens form a protective circle around Bella, just as the three nomads enter the clearing)

Laurent: Salutations! I'm Laurent, and this is James and Victoria.

James and Victoria: (evil glares)

Carlisle: Um, hi. Nice to meet you. We're the Cullens. Uh...have you met our friends in Denali? No? You should go pay them a visit! Now!

Laurent: Sounds go –

(suddenly, the wind blows and James turns to Edward, sniffing the air creepily)

James: You brought a snack!

Jasper: Hey! I saw her first!

(Edward glares at him)

Jasper: I mean...no one is allowed to eat Bella!

Carlisle: How about we all go back to our home and discuss this like dignified adu –

Emmett: (sing-song) Catch us if you ca-an!

(he, Edward, Alice and Bella run back to Emmett's Jeep, James hot on their heels)

Carlisle: Nobody can say I don't try...

IN THE JEEP

Edward: Okay, here's the plan: we drive really far away, and then we hide.

Alice: How high did you say your IQ was?

Bella: Um, I have a plan...

Edward: That's nice. Anyway, we drive to New Mexico, okay? And then we –

Bella: No, no! Listen to my plan! I'll hide out in a hotel with Alice and Jasper while the rest of you chase James around the continental U.S.!

Emmett: Whoa, she's a _genius_!

Edward: I don't like this plan.

Alice: Edward, please, what could happen? James would lure Bella to a ballet studio and attempt to kill her? Yeah right! Next thing, that female will have created a newborn army to kill us!

Emmett: Yeah, and you'll get Bella pregnant!

Edward: Be serious, please! Okay, we'll use Bella's foolproof plan. Bella, you go tell Charlie you're leaving.

Bella: Roger that (she storms into her living room). CHARLIE! I'M LEAVING FORVER AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

Charlie: Bella! You can't lea – GRAND SLAM! GO TEAM! YOU SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS!

(Bella exits the house)

Bella: Well, that sure was easy!

(Bella gets into the Jeep and they speed to the Cullen's house)

CULLEN HOUSEHOLD

Laurent: Well, it was great meeting all of you! I'll just leave...

(Laurent runs out the door)

Jasper: I hope some random pack of werewolves attack him someday.

(the Cullens nod in agreement)

Carlisle: Anyway, let's get going – we've got a sadistic tracker to stalk!

The Cullens: YAY!

(everyone then shares tearful goodbyes, and Edward kisses Bella full-on)

Alice: Ew. Get a room.

Bella: Way to kill the moment. Anyways, Edward, I lurve you!

Edward: (burning-man look) Whatever.

(Edward, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie all leave)

Alice: Yay! Let's all go to Phoenix to wait for them! And no, Jasper, you still can't eat Bella.

(Jasper sighs and they all climb into the Mercedes. Bella falls asleep instantly)

IN A RANDOM PHOENIX HOTEL ROOM

Bella: What time is it, Alice?

Alice: (sighing) It's twelve-oh-two, Bella.

Bella: ...And now?

Alice: It's the exact same as it was five seconds ago.

Bella: Oh. How about now?

Alice: For the last time, it's _TWELVE-OH-TWO_! STOP ASKING!

Bella: Oh, sorry. (she pauses) What time is it _now_?

(steam starts coming out of Alice's ears)

Alice: You know what, how about I tell you how to become a vampire?

(Bella perks up)

Alice: Okay, so, we bite people, and then our super-venom gets into their veins and makes them a vampire. Not to mention incredibly hot.

Bella: Well, I already _knew_ that. What a let down. Anyway, what time is it?

Alice: (through clenched teeth) Jasper! I think someone needs to knock Bella out again!

Jasper: (walking into the room) I'm on it!

Bella: (drowsy) Oopsies.

(Bella becomes unconscious, which is fast becoming a new hobby of hers)

LATER, STILL IN THE HOTEL ROOM

Alice: I had another vision! Of the ballet studio near Bella's house! What could this _possibly_ mean?

Jasper: James is taking dance lessons?

Bella: (waking up) Alice, what ti –

Alice: (glowering) Don't finish that sentence if you want to live!

(Bella gulps, then turns to look at Alice's phone)

Phone: (rings)

(Bella pounces on the phone and presses the answer button)

Bella: Hello? Edward? I miss you! And I'm so _worried_ about you, despite the fact that you're totally indestructible! Do you miss me? I bet you do! I miss you sooooooooo much! And Alice misses you too – she keeps yelling at me for no reason! Oh Edward, I miss your incredible hotness! Come take me away so that we can go to Rio de Janeiro and have –

Emmett: Actually, Bella, it's Emmett. I'll – uh – get Edward (he gags)

Edward: Bella! My one true love, I have missed you more than I –

Alice: (snatching the phone) There's no way I'm listening to that sappiness _again_. Edward, I had this vision and I have _no idea_ what it could possibly mean!

(Alice and Edward have a conversation about the complexity of Alice's unfathomable vision before Alice hangs up the phone)

Alice: Okay, Carlisle says we have to stay put.

Bella: This sucks.

Alice and Jasper: Tell me about it. (they turn to watch TV)

Bella: Hey, Alice?

Alice: Yes?

Bella: What time is it?

(Alice's head explodes)

**A/N: The Annie thing is a joke between me and my friends Alice and Bella (power-of-two)! I had severe writer's block with this chapter, so reviews are very welcome! Plus, you get to choose from an array of virtual baked goods when you review! Who could say no?**

**-Ellie :D**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: *sob* Last chapter! Sorry it took so long – the almighty writer's block strikes again! Oh well, I want to thank: CrushonDib, Permanent Rose, Bailey H. Cullen, Huber24601, mRs-cuLLeNxxx, SparklingTopazEyes, Mizz Lana Banana, 2boys, elphabacy35, MissSnowWhite, and Dippy18 for their wonderful, confidence-boosting reviews! You guys rock my metaphorical socks!

(Day three Bella-sitting – just as Alice and Jasper are losing the will to go on, Alice has another vision)

Alice: I've had another vision! And despite my super-intelligence, I have _no idea_ what it could possibly mean! (she begins to draw a picture of her vision)

Bella: Hold on a second...that's _my_ house!

Jasper: Whoa, I didn't see that one coming...

Alice: Well of course you didn't, that's _my_ job! (into phone) Hey, Edward? James is at Bella's house and he may or may not be planning to eat her mom. Uh huh. Okay. See you soon! (she hangs up and turns to Bella) Edward is coming!

Bella: YAY! I finally get to see my incredibly hot vampire boyfriend again!

Alice: And we get to get rid of you! (Alice and Jasper high-five)

(Everyone relaxes into a comfortable silence...until the phone rings again)

Alice: Hello? Oh! (she hands the phone to Bella) It's your mom.

Bella: Hi, mom! How are you? Did you miss me? I'm being hunted by a crazy vampire right now, so I can't stay too long –

James: Bella, this isn't your mother.

Bella: Oh, is this a game? I love guessing games! Let's see...Mike Newton?

James: (sighing) No.

Bella: Hmm...Emmett?

James: Nope.

Bella: I've got it, it's that guy from the bus stop! What's his name...Lou!

James: It's _James_, you idiot!

Bella: Oh. _OH!_ Why are you calling me? Do you want to apologize?

James: (through gritted teeth) No, I don't want to apologize! What kind of an ending would that be? I'm calling to tell you that I'm going to eat your mom unless you come to the ballet studio.

Bella: Don't you think that's a little cliché?

James: Yeah, well, _you_ try come up with a villainous plan on short notice, it's not that easy, you know.

Bella: Fine, sorry! So, I'll come sacrifice myself in a couple of hours, mkay?

James: That's better. (ominously) See you soon!

Bella: Oh no! I'm going to die..._again_! This sucks. Well, time to write a sappy love letter!

Letter: Dear Edward, I've decided to go sacrifice myself as I can see no other way out of this situation. I mean, in a fight of seven against one, its _obvious_ James is going to win. Besides, he has my mom and I totally believe him, because the evil vampire who's going to kill me would _never_ lie to me. So, anyway, I love you, you incredible hunk of vampire hotness. Forgive me, and stuff.

Hugs and kisses,

Bella xxx

Bella: Voila! That's perfect! Now, all I have to do is run away from my all-knowing, all-seeing vampire friends. That shouldn't be too difficult.

*~*PHOENIX AIRPORT*~*

Bella: Um, guys, I need to go...to...uh...

Alice: The bathroom?

Bella: Sure...bathroom...hehe...

Alice: Well, despite my ability to see everything in the future, I am _so_ not suspicious!

(Alice and Jasper wave happily as Bella runs in the direction of the exit)

Alice: (having vision of Bella being eaten) Oops.

*~*BALLET STUDIO*~*

Bella: Okay, so let me get this straight: my mom _isn't _here?

James: Uh huh.

Bella: So you fooled me with a VCR?

James: Uh huh.

Bella: So I pretty much just sacrificed myself for no good reason?

James: Uh huh.

Bella: And now you're gonna kill me?

James: (with camera) Yup! Say cheese!

(Bella, forgetting that vampires can run super-fast, makes a break for the door. When this doesn't work, she tries to hold him off with her handy pepper spray. Again, she is unsuccessful)

James: Muhahaha! My badly-thought-out plan is working! (he bites Bella's hand)

Hand: (is bitten)

Bella: Ouch! Great, now I'm _actually _gonna die. If only I had a super vampire boyfriend with a super vampire family to come to my aid! (she faints)

(Suddenly, Edward bursts in in a super hero cape and dismembers James)

James: (dies)

The Cullens: YAY!

Bella: (waking up) Hello? Dying person over here!

Edward: Oh yeah! Carlisle, is Bella gonna be okay?

Carlisle: Well, despite her broken leg and internal bleeding, she's _great_.

Bella: (whining) But my hand hurts!

Alice: OMG James bit her!

Edward: (gobsmacked) Oh no! Bella is going to become really strong, fast, beautiful and live for eternity! This is _terrible_!

Carlisle: Hey, instead of letting her become a vampire and saving us a heckuva lot of trouble, how bout you suck out all of James's icky venom?

Edward: But I –

Alice: It's the only way!

Edward: I can't –

Alice: Edward, if you don't suck your girlfriend's blood _this instant_ I'm gonna let Jasper make you fall in love with Emmett - again!

Edward: Okay, okay. (he begins to suck the venom out) So...darn...tasty....No! Bad Edward! You are not, repeat _not_, going to suck your girlfriend's blood! Okay...stop...now! (he stops)

Edward: I did it!

Jasper: Hah! Emmett, you owe me ten bucks!

Emmett: (taking out wallet) Stupid Edward...can't even kill someone properly...

Edward: Bella, I didn't kill you! I love you! And I'll always love you...until I become depressed and leave you.

Bella: That's...nice. I...smell...gasoline... (she faints)

Alice: Ugh! Emmett, stop drinking the gasoline!

Jasper: Yeah, we need that to burn yonder pile of twitching vampire flesh.

Emmett: (putting down the gasoline) Fine! You guys are no fun.

*~*PHOENIX HOSPITAL – THREE DAYS LATER*~*

Bella: (waking up) AHH! JAMES IS GONNA KILL ME!

Edward: Silly Bella, that was the last chapter, remember?

Bella: Oh yeah! Wait...last _chapter_?

Edward: Uh...never mind. How are you, my darling spidermonkey?

Bella: What did we say about the animal names?

Edward: Oh yeah! Sorry.

Renee: (running into room) Bella! Bella, are you okay?!

Bella: Well, seeing as a sadistic vampire –

Edward: (coughing) Ahem...flight of stairs...ahem.

Bella: I mean, seeing as I fell down a flight of stairs, I'm not too good.

Renee: Oh. Huh. I guess not. Anyway, Bella, seeing as Phil got signed you can come live in Jacksonville with us!

Bella: What!? No! Why would I want to go live in a sunny town with great stores and nice people?!

Renee: But you don't want to stay in that rainy town where nothing exciting _ever_ happens, do you?

Bella: Well, of course I do! It has incredibly hot vamp – uh – _boys_.

Renee: Can't argue with you there. (conspiratorially) Your new boyfriend is _fine_.

Bella: Mom, I do _not _want to have this conversation with you.

Renee: Oh, okay! Well, I'm off to live my fabulous new life in Florida! (Renee leaves)

Edward: Actually, Bella, I think you should go to Jacksonville –

Bella: WHAT?! Are you _crazy_?! What is this, New Moon?

Edward: New what?

Bella: Um...forget it.

Edward: Okay! Well, now you're awake I might as well kiss you! (he kisses Bella)

Heart Machine: (stops beeping)

Edward: Oh, shoot! I forgot about my awesome kissing skillage!

Bella: (panting) Tell me about it.

Nurse: (running into room) Did I hear romance going on in here?

Bella: No ma'am.

Nurse: Hmm...well, I think it's time I knocked you out again –

Bella: But I only just woke up!

Nurse: (getting out drugs) Exactly.

Bella: (to Edward) Wait a second...how come you didn't just let me become a vampire? I mean, it would save me from being depressed and having a weird vamp-human baby with you.

Edward: WHAT?!

Bella: Alice told me all this when she was trying to distract me, but don't worry, I don't think it's anything important.

Edward: Yeah, you're right! After all, what kind of an ending would that be?

Bella: A stupid one.

Edward: Right.

Nurse: Well, despite my being _right beside_ you, I _so_ haven't been listening to your conversation. (she injects the drugs) Well, nighty night!

Bella: No! Must...fight...with...Edward...

Edward: Shh, you can argue with me later.

Bella: Mkay...but...I'm...betting...on...Alice...

Edward: I have a feeling this is gonna come back to haunt me...

Jasper: (controlling empath powers) Oops, my bad.

*~*EPILOGUE – TWO WEEKS LATER*~*

Bella: Alice, why on _earth_ are you dressing me up in these fancy prom clothes?! What could this possibly mean?

Alice: Did your mother drop you a lot when you were young?

Bella: Yup!

Alice: Oddly enough, I'm not surprised.

Bella: Seriously, Alice, where is Edward taking me in formal clothes on the same night as prom night?

Alice: (sighing) Well, certainly not the prom.

Bella: Hmm. Yeah. (Bella thinks very hard about this until her incredibly hot vampire boyfriend arrives).

Edward: Wow, Bella you look simply beautiful.

Bella: (drools)

Edward: Um...okay...I guess we'll go then.

(Edward carries the salivating Bella to his amazing Aston Martin Vanquish and begins to drive)

Edward: So, are you looking forward to the prom?

Bella: WHAT?! YOU'RE TAKING ME TO PROM?!?!

Edward: Yes, that would be the reason for the prom clothes, fancy car and pretty corsage. What did you think it was?

Bella: I thought that you were going to change me into a purty vampire, like duh!

Edward: Okay, one: I did not go to all that venom-sucking trouble just to turn you into a vampire; and two: you need to stop hanging out with Jessica before your speech is seriously impaired.

(Bella, who does not know what the word 'impaired' means, sulks until they arrive at Forks High)

Bella: Hey, Edward? If I helped you massacre all these innocent teenagers, will you change me?

Edward: No! I don't _like_ killing people, remember?!

Bella: Oh yeahhh. Huh. How about if I –

Edward: No, Bella, the answer is no.

Bella: (grumbling) Fine.

Edward: Now, let's dance.

(Bella stands on Edward's feet and they dance the waltz, despite the fact that 'Soulja Boy' is being played on the sound system. Suddenly, Jacob Black appears)

Jacob: Hi Bella! Hi Bella's icky-smelling boyfriend!

Edward: I have a feeling I'm not going to like you...

Alice: (randomly dancing by) You're not! See, Jacob's gonna become a werewo–

(Alice is dragged away by Jasper)

Jacob: Um, okay. Anyway, Bells, my daddy still thinks your new boyfriend is vampire, so he told me to tell him that, if he hurts you, he'll be "sleeping with the fishes".

Bella: Ooh, I love fishes! What kind of fishes?

Edward: The dead ones, Bella.

Bella: Oh. _Oh_. That's not very nice. Oh well. Bye Jacob! See you when I become depressed and suicidal!

Jacob: (leaving) Bye, Bells!

(Edward and Bella start dancing again. Then, Edward randomly spins them out of the gym and onto some hill that didn't exist before)

Bella: Whoa, how did we get outside so fast?

Edward: My amazing vampire speed.

Bella: Hey, can you swing from the treetops? You know, like a monkey?

Edward: Now, Bella, where would you get a crazy idea like that?

Bella: Dunno. Anyway, are you gonna change me now?

Edward: No! I already told you I wouldn't! Why would I change my mind in the space of five minutes?

Bella: (whispering) Because this story is getting pretty long and it's about time we wrapped it up with a misleading statement!

Edward: Oh, okay, I see!

(Edward presses his lips to Bella's neck, and just as he is about to kiss and/or bite her –)

*~*THE END*~*

Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after...that is, until New Moon was published...

**A/N: It's the end! I can't believe it! Thank you guys for your INCREDIBLE support! And, don't forget to review! Not only will you receive virtual cookies, but also huge virtual hugs from me!**

**Thank you guys so much!**

**-Ellie :D**


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